By evilbert Last update Dec 29, 2010 — Installed 270 times.

There are 3 previous versions of this script.

// ==UserScript==
// @name           McGonagalator 
// @namespace
// @description    Deals with self-indulgently long, rambling, inconsequential comments on the Crooked Timber website.
// @include        http://**
// @include*
// ==/UserScript==

var mcgonagall = new Array(
"All ye lovers of the picturesque, away<br>To beautiful Torquay and spend a holiday<br>\'Tis health for invalids for to go there<br>To view the beautiful scenery and inhale the fragrant air,<br>Especially in the winter and spring-time of the year,<br>When the weather is not too hot, but is balmy and clear.<br><br>Torquay lies in a very deep and well-sheltered spot,<br>And at first sight by strangers it won\'t be forgot;<br>\'Tis said to be the mildest place in ah England,<br>And surrounded by lofty hills most beautiful and grand.","Alas! Lord and Lady Dalhousie are dead, and buried at last,<br>Which causes many people to feel a little downcast;<br><br>Lord Dalhousie was a man worthy of all praise,<br>And to his memory I hope a monument the people will raise,<br>That will stand for many ages to came<br>To commemorate the good deeds he has done.<br><br>\'Twas in the year 1877 he married the Lady Ada Louisa Bennett,<br>And by marrying that noble lady he ne\'er did regret;<br>And he was ever ready to give his service in any way,<br>Most willingly and cheerfully by night or by day.",
"It was biting cold, and the falling snow,<br>Which filled a poor little match girl\'s heart with woe,<br>Who was bareheaded and barefooted, as she went along the street,<br>Crying, \"Who\'ll buy my matches? for I want pennies to buy some meat!\"<br>When she left home she had slippers on;<br>But, alas! poor child, now they were gone.<br>For she lost both of them while hurrying across the street,<br>Out of the way of two carriages which were near by her feet.<br><br>So the little girl went on, while the snow fell thick and fast;<br>And the child's heart felt cold and downcast,<br>For nobody had bought any matchea that day,<br>Which filled her little mind with grief and dismay.<br>Alas! she was hungry and shivering with cold;<br>So in a corner between two houses she made bold<br>To take shelter from the violent storm.<br>Poor little waif! wishing to herself she'd never been born.<br><br>And she grew colder and colder, and feared to go home<br>For fear of her father beating her; and she felt woe-begone<br>Because she could carry home no pennies to buy bread,<br>And to go home without pennies she was in dread.<br>The large flakes of snow covered her ringlets of fair hair;<br>While the passers-by for her had no care,<br>As they hurried along to their homes at a quick pace,<br>While the cold wind blew in the match girl's face.<br><br>As night wore on her hands were numb with cold,<br>And no longer her strength could her uphold,<br>When an idea into her little head came:<br>She'd strike a match and warm her hands at the flame.<br>And she lighted the match, and it burned brightly,<br>And it helped to fill her heart with glee;<br>And she thought she was sitting at a stove very grand;<br>But, alas! she was found dead, with a match in her hand!",
"YE sons of Germany, your noble Emperor William now is dead.<br>Who oft great armies to battle hath led;<br>He was a man beloved by his subjects all,<br>Because he never tried them to enthral.<br><br>He was much respected throughout Europe by the high and the low,<br>And all over Germany people's hearts are full of woe;<br>For in the battlefield he was a hero bold,<br>Nevertheless, a lover of peace, to his credit be it told.<br><br>'Twas in the year of 1888, and on March the 16th day,<br>That the peaceful William's remains were conveyed away.<br>The funeral service was conducted in the cathedral by the court chaplain, Dr. Kogel,<br>Which touched the hearts of his hearers, as from his lips it fell,<br>And in conclusion he recited the Lord's Prayer<br>In the presence of kings, princes, dukes, and counts assembled there.<br>And at the end of the service the infantry outside fired volley after volley,<br>While the people inside the cathedral felt melancholy.",
"Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv\'ry Tay!<br>Alas! I am very sorry to say<br>That ninety lives have been taken away<br>On the last Sabbath day of 1879,<br>Which will be remember\'d for a very long time.<br><br>\'Twas about seven o\'clock at night,<br>And the wind it blew with all its might,<br>And the rain came pouring down,<br>And the dark clouds seem\'d to frown,<br>And the Demon of the air seem\'d to say-<br>\"I\'ll blow down the Bridge of Tay.\"<br><br>When the train left Edinburgh<br>The passengers\' hearts were light and felt no sorrow,<br>But Boreas blew a terrific gale,<br>Which made their hearts for to quail,<br>And many of the passengers with fear did say-<br>\"I hope God will send us safe across the Bridge of Tay.\"<br><br>But when the train came near to Wormit Bay,<br>Boreas he did loud and angry bray,<br>And shook the central girders of the Bridge of Tay<br>On the last Sabbath day of 1879,<br>Which will be remember\'d for a very long time.<br><br>So the train sped on with all its might,<br>And Bonnie Dundee soon hove in sight,<br>And the passengers\' hearts felt light,<br>Thinking they would enjoy themselves on the New Year,<br>With their friends at home they lov\'d most dear,<br>And wish them all a happy New Year.<br><br>So the train mov\'d slowly along the Bridge of Tay,<br>Until it was about midway,<br>Then the central girders with a crash gave way,<br>And down went the train and passengers into the Tay!<br>The Storm Fiend did loudly bray,<br>Because ninety lives had been taken away,<br>On the last Sabbath day of 1879,<br>Which will be remember\'d for a very long time.<br><br>As soon as the catastrophe came to be known<br>The alarm from mouth to mouth was blown,<br>And the cry rang out all o\'er the town,<br>Good Heavens! the Tay Bridge is blown down,<br>And a passenger train from Edinburgh,<br>Which fill\'d all the peoples hearts with sorrow,<br>And made them for to turn pale,<br>Because none of the passengers were sav\'d to tell the tale<br>How the disaster happen\'d on the last Sabbath day of 1879,<br>Which will be remember\'d for a very long time.<br><br>It must have been an awful sight,<br>To witness in the dusky moonlight,<br>While the Storm Fiend did laugh, and angry did bray,<br>Along the Railway Bridge of the Silv\'ry Tay,<br>Oh! ill-fated Bridge of the Silv\'ry Tay,<br>I must now conclude my lay<br>By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,<br>That your central girders would not have given way,<br>At least many sensible men do say,<br>Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,<br>At least many sensible men confesses,<br>For the stronger we our houses do build,<br>The less chance we have of being killed.",
"Alas! noble Prince Leopold, he is dead!<br>Who often has his lustre shed:<br>Especially by singing for the benefit of Esher School,<br>Which proves he was a wise prince. and no conceited fool.<br><br>Methinks I see him on the platform singing the Sands o\' Dee,<br>The generous-hearted Leopold, the good and the free,<br>Who was manly in his actions, and beloved by his mother;<br>And in all the family she hasn\'t got such another.<br><br>He was of a delicate constitution all his life,<br>And he was his mother\'s favourite, and very kind to his wife,<br>And he had also a particular liking for his child,<br>And in his behaviour he was very mild.<br><br>Oh! noble-hearted Leopold, most beautiful to see,<br>Who was wont to fill your audience's hearts with glee,<br>With your charming songs, and lectures against strong drink:<br>Britain had nothing else to fear, as far as you could think<br><br>A wise prince you were, and well worthy of the name,<br>And to write in praise of thee I cannot refrain;",
"\'Twas in the year of 1889, and in the month of June,<br>Ten thousand people met with a fearful doom,<br>By the bursting of a dam in Pennsylvania State,<br>And were burned, and drowned by the flood-- oh! pity their fate!<br>The embankment of the dam was considered rather weak,<br>And by the swelled body of water the embankment did break,<br>And burst o\'er the valley like a leaping river,<br>Which caused the spectators with fear to shiver.<br>Oh, heaven! it was a horrible sight, which will not be forgot,<br>So many people drowned and burned--oh! hard has been their lot!<br>But heaven\'s will must be done, I\'ll venture to say,<br>And accidents will happen until doomsday!");

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