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// @name Fortune Reddit
// @namespace
// @description Replaces all Reddit comments with fortunes from the BSD 'fortune' program
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// @include http://reddit.com/*/comments/*
// @require http://ajax.googleapis.com/ajax/libs/jquery/1/jquery.min.js
// ==/UserScript==
var fortunes = [
"(1) Everything depends.\n(2) Nothing is always.\n(3) Everything is sometimes.\n",
"1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's\nthe law!\n",
"186,282 miles per second:\n\nIt isn't just a good idea, it's the law!\n",
"\"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible\nsimulation!\"\n",
"99 blocks of crud on the disk,\n99 blocks of crud!\nYou patch a bug, and dump it again:\n100 blocks of crud on the disk!\n\n100 blocks of crud on the disk,\n100 blocks of crud!\nYou patch a bug, and dump it again:\n101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...\n",
"A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no\nresponsibility at the other.\n",
"A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.\n",
"A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.\n",
"A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.\n",
"... A booming voice says, \"Wrong, cretin!\", and you notice that you\nhave turned into a pile of dust.\n",
"A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have\nenlightened him with ours.\n",
"A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well\nas afterward.\n",
"A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the\npoor to protect them from each other.\n",
"A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.\n",
"A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five.\n",
"A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.\nAvoid him. He's a Commie.\n",
"A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking.\n",
"A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it\nis, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it.\n",
"A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?\n",
"A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur\ncoat.\n",
"A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that\nyou will look forward to the trip.\n",
"A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...\n",
"A fool must now and then be right by chance.\n",
"A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block\nof marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an\nelephant.\n",
"A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort\nof).\n",
"A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest\nman a century.\n",
"A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.\n",
"A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.\n",
"A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.\n",
"A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.\n",
"A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is\nnot worth knowing.\n",
"A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of\nnothing.\n",
"A long memory is the most subversive idea in America.\n",
"A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any\nprice.\n",
"A Los Angeles judge ruled that \"a citizen may snore with immunity in\nhis own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and\nexceptional ability in that particular field.\"\n",
"A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.\n",
"A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.\n",
"A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. \"It is out\non loan,\" the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed\nloudly inside the stable. \"But I can hear it bray, over there.\" \"Whom\ndo you believe,\" asked Nasrudin, \"me or a donkey?\"\n",
"A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary.\nAnyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now\nhas no excuse for further procrastination.\n",
"A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies\ninsist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the\nright to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.\n",
"A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the\nrear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.\n",
"A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry.\n",
"A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.\n",
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that\nyour wife will give you for free.\n",
"\"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.\"\n",
"A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices\nthat the system works.\n",
"A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and\nthe real reason.\n",
"A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen\nobjects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer\nscientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added\nconcentration needed to \"make sense\" of such unnatural three\ndimensional objects ...\n",
"A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may\nnot kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized\nrosewater.\n",
"A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an\nexam.\n",
"A tautology is a thing which is tautological.\n",
"A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by\nblowing first.\n",
"A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene\ntriangle.\n",
"A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.\n",
"A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without\ngetting nervous.\n",
"A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets\npeople's attention.\n",
"A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe\nin God.\n",
"AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!\nYou brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!\n",
"Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.\n",
"According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: \"No person\nshall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than\nfifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening\nof the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of\nthe returns.\"\n",
"According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least\nonce a year.\n",
"According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are\ntotally worthless.\n",
"According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never\ndies.\n",
"Acid -- better living through chemistry.\n",
"Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.\n",
"\"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from\ncoughing.\"\n",
"Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families.\n",
"Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,\nthen at least be asceptic.\n",
"After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.\n",
"After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found\non the bench.\n",
"After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?\n",
"After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe\neverything. Just in case.\n",
"After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access\ncover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been\nremoved.\n",
"Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a\nchange.\n",
"Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.\n",
"Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, \nthere's the rub.\n\nFor all dreams are not equal,\nsome exit to nightmare\nmost end with the dreamer\n\nBut at least one must be lived ... and died.\n",
"Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting\nfor a dial tone.\n",
"All extremists should be taken out and shot.\n",
"All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing\nwithout thinking.\n",
"All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.\n",
"All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own\nimportance.\n",
"All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled\nby an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ...\n",
"\"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us\nsane.\"\n",
"All power corrupts, but we need electricity.\n",
"All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.\n",
"All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism.\n",
"All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door.\n",
"All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for\nfun. Money's just the way we keep score.\n",
"Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away.\n",
"Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid\nback.\n",
"Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else.\n",
"\"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing\nthat way.\"\n",
"Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.\n",
"\"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.\"\n",
"An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but\nis always polite to traffic cops.\n",
"An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.\n",
"An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.\n",
"An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you\nreally care to know.\n",
"An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.\n",
"An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.\n",
"An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded\nsummation, leaned over the bench and remarked, \"I've heard your\narguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!\" Sir Geoffrey\nresponded, \"That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!\"\n",
"An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.\n",
"An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.\n",
"\"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge.\"\n",
"Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no\ngovernment at all.\n",
"... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.\n",
"And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.\n",
"\"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a\ncourtesy detail.\"\n",
"Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.\n",
"Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that\nthis country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a\nwhole week.\n",
"Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to\nsell it.\n",
"Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger\nobject.\n",
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged\ndemo.\n",
"Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked\nsomething.\n",
"Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.\n",
"Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is\nprobably parked.\n",
"Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.\n",
"Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with\nnone.\n",
"Anything free is worth what you pay for it.\n",
"Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.\n",
"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.\n",
"Anything labeled \"NEW\" and/or \"IMPROVED\" isn't. The label means the\nprice went up. The label \"ALL NEW\", \"COMPLETELY NEW\", or \"GREAT NEW\"\nmeans the price went way up.\n",
"Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.\n",
"Anything worth doing is worth overdoing\n",
"\"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution\"\n",
"APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of\nthe future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of\ncoding bums.\n",
"Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.\n",
"As I was passing Project MAC,\nI met a Quux with seven hacks.\nEvery hack had seven bugs;\nEvery bug had seven manifestations;\nEvery manifestation had seven symptoms.\nSymptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,\nHow many losses at Project MAC?\n",
"As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?\n",
"As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.\n",
"As Will Rogers would have said, \"There is no such things as a free\nvariable.\"\n",
"As Zeus said to Narcissus, \"Watch yourself.\"\n",
"Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.\n",
"Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the\nStation-to-Station rate.\n",
"Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the\nbathtub, it tolls for thee.\n",
"Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take \"Go to hell\"\nfor an answer.\n",
"\"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los\nAngeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head\nunder the exhaust of a bus until he revived.\"\n",
"\"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents\"\n",
"At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will\nfind at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on\nthe computer.\n",
"Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole\nor street lamp.\n",
"Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.\n",
"Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.\n",
"Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the\nfloor -- especially in the dark.\n",
"Basic is a high level languish.\nAPL is a high level anguish.\n",
"\"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'.\"\n",
"Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your\ndoor.\n",
"BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...)\n",
"Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.\n",
"Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so\nget used to it.\n",
"Be security conscious -- National defense is at stake.\n",
"Bees are very busy souls\nThey have no time for birth controls\nAnd that is why in times like these\nThere are so many Sons of Bees.\n",
"Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's\nego.\n",
"Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh\naway.\n",
"\"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!\" <huff, huff>\n",
"\"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!\" <huff, huff>\n",
"Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.\n",
"Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.\n",
"Beware of computerized fortune-tellers!\n",
"Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a\ndrip under pressure.\n",
"Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but\nnothing of interest is easy.\n",
"\"Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same\nthing as division.\"\n",
"Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic\n",
"... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...\n",
"Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.\n",
"Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as\nWheels.\n",
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other.\n",
"Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier.\n",
"BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! \n",
"Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may\nrevitalize the corner saloon.\n",
"Bumper sticker:\n\n\"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British\nmanufacture\"\n",
"Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise.\n",
"\"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations\npaws.\"\n",
"\"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast\nto the nearest gas station.\"\n",
"\"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable\ncomputers?\"\n",
"By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task\ncompletely overwhelm you.\n",
"\"Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target\nLos Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept.\"\n",
"Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than\nexpected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to\ncomplete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their\nplanning to reduce the time it takes.\n",
"Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and\ntrousers that don't match.\n",
"Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.\n",
"CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..\n",
"Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.\n",
"Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,\nhow many?\n",
"Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.\n",
"Chicken Little only has to be right once.\n",
"Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every\neffort to teach them good manners.\n",
"Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for\nword what you shouldn't have said.\n",
"Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead.\n",
"\"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day.\"\n",
"Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.\n",
"COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.\n",
"Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to\nbe appointed to do the work.\n",
"Computer programmers do it byte by byte\n",
"Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems\ntheory.\n",
"Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.\n",
"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in\nthe world that just don't add up.\n",
"Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more\nthan the estimate the job will cost.\n",
"Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the\nsituation.\n",
"Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.\n",
"Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you\nwish you weren't.\n",
"Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then\ngive it back to them.\n",
"\"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern\ntechnology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat.\"\n",
"Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.\n",
"%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory\nVMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears\n",
"Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also\neasy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to\nimprove.\n",
"Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.\n",
"Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.\n",
"\"Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'\".\n",
"Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down\n",
"Death is only a state of mind.\n\nOnly it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else.\n",
"\"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.\"\n",
"Demand the establishment of the government\nin its rightful home at Disneyland.\n",
"Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you\ndon't think.\n",
"Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the\nboard. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls.\n",
"Did you know ...\n\nThat no-one ever reads these things?\n",
"Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined\nthem up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?\n",
"Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.\n",
"Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.\nVelocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.\n",
"Diplomacy is the art of saying \"nice doggy\" until you can find a rock.\n",
"Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.\n",
"District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape\ninjury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any\ndamage inflicted on the vehicle.\n",
"Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?\n",
"Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?\n",
"Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.\n",
"Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon.\n",
"Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to\nanger.\n",
"\"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good\nwith ketchup.\"\n",
"Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.\nViolators will be prosecuted.\n(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))\n",
"Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.\n",
"Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.\n",
"Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.\n",
"Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take\nthe time to take the dirt out of them?\n",
"\"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?\"\n\"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!\"\n\"I've never done anything illegal before.\"\n\"I thought you said you were an accountant!\"\n",
"Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must\nbe good because the programmers hate it so much.\n",
"Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.\n",
"Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.\n",
"Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!\n",
"Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.\n",
"Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.\n",
"Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier.\n",
"Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.\n",
"Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.\n",
"Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking\ndistance.\n",
"Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone.\n",
"Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you.\n",
"Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy\nit today you can do it again tomorrow.\n",
"Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive.\n",
"Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.\n",
"\"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to\nget more wax!!\"\n",
"Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too\nbusy worrying over what you are thinking about them.\n",
"Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?\n",
"\"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.\"\n",
"Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying.\n",
"Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic\nroute!\n",
"Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders\nhas been discontinued.\n",
"Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate\nand captain of your soul.\n",
"Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been\ndiscontinued.\n",
"Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends\n",
"/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can.\n",
" Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.\n",
"\"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work.\"\n",
"Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.\n",
"Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United\nStates we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a\nday.\n",
"Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you\njust how busy they are.\n",
"Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.\n",
"Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt.\n",
"Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this\nwoman and stop her.\n",
"Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.\n",
"\"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95.\"\n",
"Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis.\n\nIt makes sense, when you don't think about it.\n",
"Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one\ninstruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every\nprogram can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.\n",
"Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and\nanother for which it wasn't.\n",
"Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.\n",
"Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no\nguarantee of eventual success.\n",
"\"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.\"\n",
"Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.\n",
"Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be\ntaught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers.\n",
"Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to\nrealize it.\n",
"Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it.\n",
"Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,\nno one we know belongs.\n",
"Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.\n",
"Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.\n",
"Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.\n",
"Excellent time to become a missing person.\n",
"Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility.\n",
"Expect the worst, it's the least you can do.\n",
"Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and\nthe instruction afterward.\n",
"Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old\nones.\n",
"Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.\n",
"Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.\n",
"f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.\n",
"Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.\n",
"Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic\nwithout looking to see whether the seeds move.\n",
"Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...\n",
"Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,\nneither will you.\n",
"Fifty flippant frogs\nWalked by on flippered feet\nAnd with their slime they made the time\nUnnaturally fleet.\n",
"Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North\nCarolina.\n",
"Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.\n",
"Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.\n",
"FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when\nthe little hand is on the ....\n",
"For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...\n",
"For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a\ncat.\n",
"For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be\nalways old-fashioned.\n",
"For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.\n",
"For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz.\n",
"For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH!\n",
"Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.\n",
"Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18:\n\nQ: Are you married?\nA: No, I'm divorced.\nQ: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?\nA: A lot of things I didn't know about.\n",
"Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19:\n\nQ: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?\nA: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.\n",
"Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32:\n\nQ: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?\nA: I will be three months November 8th.\nQ: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?\nA: Yes.\nQ: What were you and your husband doing at that time?\n",
"Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37:\n\nQ: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?\nA: No.\nQ: What was he doing with the dog's ears?\nA: Picking them up in the air.\nQ: Where was the dog at this time?\nA: Attached to the ears.\n",
"Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41:\n\nQ: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?\nA: By death.\nQ: And by whose death was it terminated?\n",
"Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52:\n\nQ: What is your name?\nA: Ernestine McDowell.\nQ: And what is your marital status?\nA: Fair.\n",
"fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.\n",
"Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a\npoliceman's tie.\n",
"Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.\n",
"\"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore.\"\n",
"Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why\nyou should.\n",
"Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.\n",
"Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!\n",
"Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place\nto stand, and I will drain the world.\n",
"Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!\n",
"Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to\na new town.\n",
"Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.\n",
"God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six\ndays and then pulled an all-nighter.\n",
"God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.\n",
"God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's\n",
"God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.\n",
"God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.\n",
"God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.\n",
"God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them.\n",
"Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to\nschool make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a\nperson a car.\n",
"Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.\n",
"Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.\n",
"Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.\n",
"Good day to let down old friends who need help.\n",
"Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.\n",
"Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.\n",
"Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.\n",
"Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's\nnew lover.\n",
"Got Mole problems?\nCall Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23\n",
"Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are\ndifferent lies.\n",
"Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture.\n",
"Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture.\n",
"Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic\ntickets.\n",
"Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.\n",
"... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,\nand you would not have been informed.\n",
"Hail to the sun god\nHe sure is a fun god\nRa! Ra! Ra!\n",
"Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)\n",
"Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?\n",
"Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell\nyou, \"There's a time for work and a time for play,\" never find the time\nfor play?\n",
"\"Have you lived here all your life?\"\n\"Oh, twice that long.\"\n",
"Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a\ncrack in your sidewalk?\n",
"Have you reconsidered a computer career?\n",
"\"He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions\"\n",
"He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.\n",
"He thought he saw an albatross\nThat fluttered 'round the lamp.\nHe looked again and saw it was\nA penny postage stamp.\n\"You'd best be getting home,\" he said,\n\"The nights are rather damp.\"\n",
"\"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him\ninsufferable.\"\n",
"\"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both\neyes ...\"\n",
"\"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ...\"\n",
"He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be\nthere ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.\n",
"\"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ...\"\n",
"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.\n",
"Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!\n",
"Her locks an ancient lady gave\nHer loving husband's life to save;\nAnd men -- they honored so the dame --\nUpon some stars bestowed her name.\n\nBut to our modern married fair,\nWho'd give their lords to save their hair,\nNo stellar recognition's given.\nThere are not stars enough in heaven.\n",
"\"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from\nPresidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ...\"\n",
"Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,\nthen they'd be algorithms.\n",
"Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person\nreading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,\nnor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.\n",
"Higgeldy Piggeldy,\nHamlet of Elsinore\nRuffled the critics by\nDropping this bomb:\n\"Phooey on Freud and his\nPsychoanalysis --\nOedipus, Shmoedipus,\nI just love Mom.\"\n",
"\"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had\nmoney, he went to Southern California.\"\n",
"\"His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier.\"\n",
"History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.\n",
"\"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense\"\n",
"Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say \"Honk if ...\"\n",
"Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa.\n",
"How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?\n",
"How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?\n",
"\"How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.\"\n",
"How doth the VAX's C compiler\nImprove its object code.\nAnd even as we speak does it\nIncrease the system load.\n\nHow patiently it seems to run\nAnd spit out error flags,\nWhile users, with frustration, all\nTear their clothes to rags.\n",
"How doth the VAX's C-compiler\nImprove its object code.\nAnd even as we speak does it\nIncrease the system load.\n\nHow patiently it seems to run\nAnd spit out error flags,\nWhile users, with frustration, all\nTear all their clothes to rags.\n",
"How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're\non.\n",
"How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.\n",
"How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.\n",
"Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.\n",
"Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.\n",
"I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.\n",
"I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast\nwith an option to buy.\n",
"\"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.\"\n",
"I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself.\n",
"\"I can resist anything but temptation.\"\n",
"\"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it.\"\n",
"I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The\ncurtain was up.\n",
"I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just\na BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more\nnumbers!!\n",
"\"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?\"\n",
"\"I don't think so,\" said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished.\n",
"\"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other\nhand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out.\"\n",
"I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,\nso I woke up from sheer boredom.\n",
"\"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words.\"\n",
"I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20\nminutes of my life!\n",
"\"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense.\"\n",
"\"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it\nany time!\"\n",
"\"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.\"\n",
"\"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.\"\n",
"I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!!\n",
"I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once.\n",
"\"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours.\"\n",
"\"I like your game but we have to change the rules.\"\n",
"\"I love to eat them Smurfies\n Smurfies what I love to eat\n Bite they ugly heads off,\n Nibble on they bluish feet.\"\n",
"I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts\n",
"\"I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do\nwas to go away.\"\n",
"\"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.\"\n",
"I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!\n",
"I really hate this damned machine\nI wish that they would sell it.\nIt never does quite what I want\nBut only what I tell it.\n",
"\"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.\"\n",
"\"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.\"\n",
"I think that I shall never see\nA thing as lovely as a tree.\nBut as you see the trees have gone\nThey went this morning with the dawn.\nA logging firm from out of town\nCame and chopped the trees all down.\nBut I will trick those dirty skunks\nAnd write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'.\n",
"\"I thought you were trying to get into shape.\"\n\"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle.\"\n",
"I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure.\n",
"\"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.\"\n",
"\"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.\"\n",
"I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that\nit took seven others to beat him!\n",
"\"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got\nto undo it.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I\nsnore.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in\n`Y.'\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my\nblender.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my\ngarage door.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from\nJulian to Gregorian.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for\nstatic cling.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my\ncottage cheese sculpture.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma\ntransplant.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never\ncame back.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to say\ntuned.\"\n",
"\"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that\nneed worrying about.\"\n",
"\"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.\"\n",
"\"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from\nman.\"\n",
"\"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my\nsister.\"\n",
"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.\n",
"\"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.\"\n",
"... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a\nKOSHER DELI!!\n",
"\"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.\nIt's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.\"\n",
"\"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday\nlife.\"\n",
"\"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL\nsoon ...\"\n",
"\"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's\nlives\"\n",
"I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.\n",
"I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.\n",
"I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes\non the same day.\n",
"\"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer.\"\n",
"Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box\nof candy weighing less than fifty pounds.\n",
"Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like\nsolitary confinement.\n",
"If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake\nhim up.\n",
"If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.\n",
"If all be true that I do think,\nThere be Five Reasons why one should Drink;\nGood friends, good wine, or being dry,\nOr lest we should be by-and-by,\nOr any other reason why.\n",
"If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot\nplatform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave\nthat would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska.\n",
"If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.\n",
"If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.\n",
"If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four\ntellers?\n",
"\"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?\"\n",
"If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?\n",
"If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.\n",
"If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three\nto a can.\n",
"If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.\n",
"If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.\n",
"If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit\nEars.\n",
"If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their\nHeads.\n",
"If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with\ngreen, baggy skin.\n",
"If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.\n",
"If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to\ninvent it.\n",
"If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger\nhands.\n",
"If God is dead, who will save the Queen?\n",
"If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?\n",
"\"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be\nreplaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!\"\n",
"If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.\n",
"If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?\n",
"If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune.\n",
"If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.\n",
"If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by\nthe page number.\n",
"If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.\n",
"If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.\n",
"If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without\nhaving to accomplish anything.\n",
"If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad,\nhe should see how bad it is with representation.\n",
"If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances\nare 50-50 it will.\n",
"If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.\n",
"If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that\nwill cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.\n",
"If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.\n",
"If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.\n",
"If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?\n",
"If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was\nyesterday?\n",
"\"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely\"\n",
"\"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage.\"\n",
"If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.\n",
"If you can read this, you're too close.\n",
"If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.\n",
"If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a\ncall.\n",
"If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.\n",
"If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?\n",
"If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.\n",
"If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to\neither of you for the rest of the day.\n",
"\"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to\nhave to get a toehold in the public eye.\"\n",
"If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody\nwill.\n",
"If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.\n",
"If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.\n",
"If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away.\n",
"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you\nreally make them think they'll hate you.\n",
"If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure\ncan go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly\ndevelop.\n",
"If you push the \"extra ice\" button on the soft drink vending machine,\nyou won't get any ice. If you push the \"no ice\" button, you'll get\nice, but no cup.\n",
"If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But\nthis garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is\nsomehow enobled and none dare criticize it.\n",
"If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're\nthe sucker.\n",
"If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.\n",
"If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens\ntomorrow!\n",
"If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every\nword you say, talk in your sleep.\n",
"If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one.\n",
"If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.\n",
"If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%?\n",
"\"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round\nit off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the\nuniverse?\"\n",
"Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the\nland He's trying to ignore.\n",
"Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the\nmail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the\nBoss is reading it.\n",
"In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of\nstairs.\n",
"In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled\nwaffles.\n",
"In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't\nget parts.\n",
"In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The\ncreator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across.\n",
"In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred\nsyrup.\n",
"In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only\nwe can't control when the five year period will begin.\n",
"In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground\nwith clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call\nthis a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.\n",
"In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)\nare to be treated as variables.\n",
"In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own\nat least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public.\n",
"In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs.\n",
"In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools\nwill be temporarily canceled.\n",
"In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and\nmake it better.\n",
"In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle\na female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order\nto get her attention.\n",
"In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride\nin any motor vehicle.\n",
"In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door\nneighbor.\n",
"In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.\n",
"In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our\nprogramming languages.\n",
"In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on\nthe sidewalks when a concert is on.\n",
"In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your\npocket.\n",
"In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any\npilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while\neither flying or waiting to board a plane.\n",
"In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless\nthere is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red\nflag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.\n",
"In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as\nto publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the\nspeaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00.\n",
"In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds\nand attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane.\n",
"In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that \"The carrying\nof concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public\nview.\"\n",
"In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that\nis over six feet in length.\n",
"\"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian.\"\n",
"In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's.\n",
"In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a\nmoving automobile.\n",
"In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in\nthe proper order then why can't he?\n",
"In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without\nthe supervision of a licensed engineer.\n",
"In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse\nalong at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months.\n",
"Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?\n",
"Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.\n",
"Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the\nsalesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon.\n",
"Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.\n",
"Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is\nmeant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a\nsoap bubble?\n",
"Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!\n",
"Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune\ntellers take economists seriously?\n",
"It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.\n",
"It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of\nUrbana, Illinois.\n",
"It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck?\nOne in a million, perhaps.\n",
"It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark\n",
"It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice\nversa.\n",
"It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.\n",
"It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct\none.\n",
"It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood\nBoulevard at one time.\n",
"It is illegal to say \"Oh, Boy\" in Jonesboro, Georgia.\n",
"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so\ningenious.\n",
"It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the\nproblem.\n",
"It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a\npit.\n",
"It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their\ndignity.\n",
"It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the\nlowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as\nhigh as the eagle?\n",
"It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad\ncrossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed\nuntil the other has gone.\n",
"It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for\nfive straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But\nit takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.\n",
"It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the\nfuture.\n",
"It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.\n",
"It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too\ngood either if you speak when your head is empty.\n",
"It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a\nwarning to others.\n",
"It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the\nflag.\n",
"It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.\n",
"\"It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set\nfoot.\"\n",
"It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like\nthe rose and the teeth were in the same glass.\n",
"It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on\nthe wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.\n",
"\"It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone\nunderwear.\"\n",
"It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.\n",
"It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.\n",
"\"It's easier said than done.\"\n\n... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than\nsaid, and you'll see that \"it's easier said that `it's easier done than\nsaid' than it is done\", which really proves that \"it's easier said than\ndone\".\n",
"It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.\n",
"It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for\nbeing right.\n",
"It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse.\n",
"\"It's Like This\"\n\nEven the samurai\nhave teddy bears,\nand even the teddy bears\nget drunk.\n",
"It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong\ndirection.\n",
"\"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name.\"\n",
"It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's\nwhat you're taking for it...\n",
"It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ...\n",
"It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.\n",
"It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the\nDevil when he is the only explanation of it.\n",
"Jesus Saves,\nMoses Invests,\nBut only Buddha pays Dividends.\n",
"Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!\n",
"Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called\n\"Bureaucracy\". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do\nanything loses.\n",
"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.\n",
"Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he\nknows what it is.\n",
"Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you\nget a prompt, type like hell.\n",
"Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to\ntwelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!\n",
"Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a\nfaster rat!!!\n",
"Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to\nwear tail lights.\n",
"Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.\n",
"Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.\n",
"Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.\n",
"Keep you Eye on the Ball,\nYour Shoulder to the Wheel,\nYour Nose to the Grindstone,\nYour Feet on the Ground,\nYour Head on your Shoulders.\nNow ... try to get something DONE!\n",
"\"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack.\"\n",
"Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through\nany of its streets.\n",
"Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within.\n",
"Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within.\n",
"Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.\n",
"\"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police\nrecord. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense\nof humor.\"\n",
"Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.\n",
"Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.\n",
"Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads.\n",
"Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.\n",
"Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the\nfun?\n",
"Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.\n",
"Let us live!!!\nLet us love!!!\nLet us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!!\n\nYou first.\n",
"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.\n",
"Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.\n",
"\"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it.\"\n",
"Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find\nthere is nothing in it.\n",
"\"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of\nwhich I disapprove.\"\n",
"Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.\n",
"Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.\n",
"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip\naround the Sun.\n",
"Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted\nbefore.\n",
"Lizzie Borden took an axe,\nAnd plunged it deep into the VAX;\nDon't you envy people who\nDo all the things ___YOU want to do?\n",
"Loan-department manager: \"There isn't any fine print. At these\ninterest rates, we don't need it.\"\n",
"Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.\n",
"... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and\nlegally ... impeccable!\n",
"Look out! Behind you!\n",
"Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying \"BOOGA,\nBOOGA!\"\n",
"Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy.\n",
"Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in\nHalstead, Kansas.\n",
"Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.\n",
"Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.\n",
"Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the\nworld has ever seen.\n",
"Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes.\n",
"Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up\nto.\n",
"LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.\n",
"Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist!\n",
"\"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence.\"\n",
"Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a\nreceipt.\n",
"May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts\n",
"May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual!\n",
"May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.\n",
"May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a\nThousand Caramels.\n",
"Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge\nit.\n",
"Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.\n",
"MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched.\n",
"Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.\n",
"Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.\n",
"\"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been\nwatching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks.\"\n",
"\"Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you\nout of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.\"\n",
"Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap\npistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however.\n",
"Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.\n",
"Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.\n",
"Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.\n",
"Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked\nhim how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just\nlast week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew\nbetter.\n",
"Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life.\n",
"Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.\n",
"Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots\n",
"Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before.\n",
"Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't\nwork.\n",
"My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.\n",
"... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling\nAlley!!\n",
"\"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies\"\n",
"Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant\nsaid \"My master is out.\" Nasrudin replied, \"Tell your master that next\ntime he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone\nmight steal it.\"\n",
"Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to\nserve him. Nasrudin said, \"First things first. Did you see me walk\ninto your shop?\" \"Of course.\" \"Have you ever seen me before?\"\n\"Never.\" \"Then how do you know it was me?\"\n",
"Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, \"The moon is more useful\nthan the sun.\" \"Why?\", he was asked. \"Because at night we need the\nlight more.\"\n",
"Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver\npie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of\nmeat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,\n\"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without\nthe recipe?\"\n",
"Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,\nGod said, \"Let Newton be,\" and all was light.\n\nIt did not last; the devil howling \"Ho!\nLet Einstein be!\" restored the status quo.\n",
"Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.\n",
"Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.\n",
"Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.\n",
"Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.\n",
"Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off\n",
"Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled\nwith the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to\nchange into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually\nfly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators\nhave windows.\n",
"Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.\n",
"Never let your schooling interfere with your education.\n",
"Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to\nmake it complex and wonderful.\n",
"Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.\n",
"Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a\nlaw against it by that time.\n",
"Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower.\n",
"Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient.\n",
"\"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.\"\n",
"New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in\nany way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe.\n",
"New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of\nCruelty to Yourself. Apply within.\n",
"New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors.\n",
"Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.\n",
"Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't\nhave a lucky day this year.\n",
"Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name\ncorrectly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into\n(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but\nAmericans call him by value.\n",
"Nine megs for the secretaries fair,\nSeven megs for the hackers scarce,\nFive megs for the grads in smoky lairs,\nThree megs for system source;\n\nOne disk to rule them all,\nOne disk to bind them,\nOne disk to hold the files\nAnd in the darkness grind 'em.\n",
"No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.\n",
"No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will\nseriously cramp his style.\n",
"No matter what other nations may say about the United States,\nimmigration is still the sincerest form of flattery.\n",
"\"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid.\"\n",
"No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.\n",
"No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere.\n",
"Nobody said computers were going to be polite.\n",
"Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with\nconstructive praise.\n",
"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.\n",
"\"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.\"\n",
"Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.\n",
"Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.\n",
"Nothing is faster than the speed of light ...\n\nTo prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the\nlight comes on.\n",
"Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature.\n",
"Now I lay me down to sleep\nI pray the double lock will keep;\nMay no brick through the window break,\nAnd, no one rob me till I awake.\n",
"Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.\n",
"Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're\nguessing.\n",
"O give me a home,\nWhere the buffalo roam,\nWhere the deer and the antelope play,\nWhere seldom is heard\nA discouraging word,\n'Cause what can an antelope say?\n",
"\"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a\nfake?\"\n",
"Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy.\n",
"Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%.\nAnd of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a\nblazer.\n",
"Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.\n",
"OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything.\n",
"Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.\n",
"Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.\n",
"OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of\nJELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O\nas if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ...\nWHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES?\n",
"On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a\nPOINT ...\n",
"Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, \"I predict,\nSir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease\".\nDisraeli replied, \"That all depends upon whether I embrace your\nprincipals or your mistress\".\n",
"One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.\n",
"One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet\nwhen well oiled.\n",
"One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they\nnever have to stop and answer the phone.\n",
"One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.\n",
"One monk said to the other, \"The fish has flopped out of the net! How\nwill it live?\" The other said, \"When you have gotten out of the net,\nI'll tell you.\"\n",
"One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.\n",
"One seldom sees a monument to a committee.\n",
"One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh\npaint.\n",
"One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a\nnew model.\n",
"One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.\n",
"Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.\n",
"Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to\nuse the editorial \"we.\"\n",
"Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.\n",
"Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your\nnails.\n",
"Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is\nthey charge fifteen cents for them.\n",
"Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now\nI can remember things that *have* happened before ...\n",
"Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!\n",
"Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket.\n",
"Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.\n",
"Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.\n",
"Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.\n",
"Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one.\n",
"Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.\n",
"Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.\n",
"People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of\nthe future.\n",
"People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed.\n",
"People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never\nslept in a room with a single mosquito.\n",
"People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that\nBenjamin Franklin said it first.\n",
"People will buy anything that's one to a customer.\n",
"People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they\ndid yesterday.\n",
"Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.\n",
"Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!\n",
"Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to\nexciting Camden, New Jersey.\n",
"Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.\n",
"\"Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional\nhyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational\nsequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ...\"\n",
"Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill\nthem.\n",
"Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?\n",
"PLUNDERER'S THEME\n(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)\n\nPillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.\nIf you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.\nKill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.\nPillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.\n",
"Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell\nall their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.\n",
"Politics is like coaching a football team. you have to be smart enough\nto understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.\n",
"Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.\n",
"Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.\n",
"Predestination was doomed from the start.\n",
"President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and\nforecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.\n",
"Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist!\n",
"Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.\n",
"Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem.\nEng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on\nhis exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's\nearned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%\n",
"\"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller\nthan the both put together.\"\n",
"Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check\nthree friends. If they're OK, you're it.\n",
"Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off of the TV screen.\n",
"Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen.\n",
"Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is?\nA: One per person.\n",
"Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?\nA: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.\n",
"Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat ?\nA: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.\n",
"Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?\nA: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.\n",
"Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?\nA: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.\n",
"Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?\nA: One and a half.\n",
"Q: What's a light-year?\nA: One-third less calories than a regular year.\n",
"Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road?\nA: Because it was on the other side.\n",
"Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?\nA: To stamp out forest fires.\n\nQ: Why do elephants have flat feet?\nA: To stamp out flaming ducks.\n",
"Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?\nA: To prevent the sensible ones from going home.\n",
"Question:\nMan Invented Alcohol,\nGod Invented Grass.\nWho do you trust?\n",
"Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!\n",
"Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!!\n",
"Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.\n\n(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)\n",
"Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe\nthe picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described\nwith pictures.\n",
"Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic\nvalue but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is\nmuch too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice\nthis because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA.\n",
"Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware\nhas limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing\nmachines are so poor at I/O.\n",
"Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are\nso long they can't afford the disk space.\n",
"Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write\nin anything less portable than a number two pencil.\n",
"Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker\nwith `programming systems', but those are so high level that they\nhardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for\napplications.)\n",
"Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run\non future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo\nsapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet.\n",
"Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured\nprogramming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet-\ntrained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise\nclear desks.\n",
"Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine\ndoesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell\nquiche.\n",
"Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it\nshould be hard to understand.\n",
"Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the\nilliterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how\nmuch good it did them.\n",
"Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires\nyou to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers\nwear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly\nspring up in the middle of the machine room.\n",
"Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write\nin BASIC after reaching puberty.\n",
"Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress\nfreaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who\nwear white socks.\n",
"Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who\ncan't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.\n",
"Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.\n",
"Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use\nfunctions for scratch space after they are finished calling them?\n",
"Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness.\nThis process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a\ncomputer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.\n",
"Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the\njob is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like\nusing an undocumented external procedure.\n",
"Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never\nafraid to break your face.\n",
"Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts\ndown the system for days.\n",
"Real Users know your home telephone number.\n",
"Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your\nprogram doesn't deliver it.\n",
"Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.\n",
"Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.\n",
"Reality is for people who lack imagination.\n",
"Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction.\n",
"\"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!\"\n",
"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you\nlose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict,\nbut sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and\nChase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3\nrecessions.\n",
"Reclaimer, spare that tree!\nTake not a single bit!\nIt used to point to me,\nNow I'm protecting it.\nIt was the reader's CONS\nThat made it, paired by dot;\nNow, GC, for the nonce,\nThou shalt reclaim it not.\n",
"Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good\noffense!\n",
"Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.\n",
"Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.\n",
"Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get\nanother chance later on.\n",
"Save the whales. Collect the whole set.\n",
"Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.\n",
"Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.\n",
"\"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ...\"\n",
"Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.\n",
"Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.\n",
"She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them\nwere bad.\n",
"She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could\nhave poured on a waffle ...\n",
"SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!\nPOP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!\n",
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is\nplaying golf with his boss.\n",
"Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.\n",
"Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes\nto work.\n",
"Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ...\n",
"So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever\nremember his Bible?\n",
"Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit.\n",
"Some people have a way about them that seems to say: \"If I have only\none life to live, let me live it as a jerk.\"\n",
"Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit\nthem on the head.\n",
"Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic.\n",
"Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand\nprogress.\n",
"Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the\npens will multiply instead of disappear.\n",
"Someone will try to honk your nose today.\n",
"\"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm\nthe only ashtray.\"\n",
"Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.\n",
"Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already\npaid may disregard this fortune).\n",
"Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.\n",
"Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword.\n",
"Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.\n",
"\"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly.\"\n",
"Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you.\n",
"Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only\ntake a bath ...\n",
"Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out?\n",
"Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way\nbefore it is understood.\n",
"Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.\n",
"Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar\nwithout his duck ...\n",
"Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!\n",
"Support your local police force -- steal!!\n",
"Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.\n",
"Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!\n",
"Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.\n",
"Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a\nhole in his head.\n",
"Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.\n",
"Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself\nout of the market.\n",
"Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he\ngrows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.\n",
"Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.\n",
"Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.\n",
"Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession.\n",
"\"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.\"\n",
"That secret you've been guarding, isn't.\n",
"The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.\n",
"The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas\nRiver can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little\nRock.\n",
"The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m.\n",
"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the\naverage man can see better than he can think.\n",
"The best book on programming for the layman is \"Alice in Wonderland\";\nbut that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.\n",
"The best defense against logic is ignorance.\n",
"The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.\n",
"\"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.\"\n",
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up\nin the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.\n",
"The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding\nbureaucracy.\n",
"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the\nflexibility and power of assembly language with the readability\nof assembly language.\n",
"The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up\nat the steam fitters' picnic.\n",
"The chief cause of problems is solutions.\n",
"\"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live\nelsewhere.\"\n",
"The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.\n",
"The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going\ndown.\n",
"The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.\n",
"The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of\nus who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching\nCharlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.\n",
"The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?\n",
"The devil finds work for idle circuits to do.\n",
"The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on\na balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets.\n",
"The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.\n",
"The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and\nadd ten percent.\n",
"The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with\nsymposium to follow.\n",
"The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by\na major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.\n",
"The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the\nnumber of your kids by 32 teeth.\n",
"The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to\nchance.\n",
"The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness.\n",
"The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the\ncenter we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South\nBoston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South\nEnd is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End.\n",
"The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled\ntoday.\n",
"The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at\nleast until we've finished building it.\n",
"The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature\nis to build better mice.\n",
"The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him\nlove and he invented marriage.\n",
"The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got\nto be good.\n",
"The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom\nwhereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary,\nnohow.\n",
"The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent\nthinkers.\n",
"The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back,\nwhich reads \"Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at\nleast 5000 years old.\"\n",
"The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity\n-- the rest is overhead for the operating system.\n",
"The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided\nby the number of people in the group.\n",
"The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching\ntrain.\n",
"The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon.\n",
"The makers may make\nand the users may use,\nbut the fixers must fix\nwith but minimal clues\n",
"The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a\nsoda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which\nwhen properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.\n",
"The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.\n",
"The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.\n",
"The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.\n",
"The more things change, the more they stay insane.\n",
"The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us\nis right.\n",
"The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.\n",
"... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!\n",
"The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I\nhope I don't get run over again.\n",
"The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.\n",
"The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when\nto cringe.\n",
"The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop\nand take a rest.\n",
"The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it.\n",
"The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up\nuntil 5 or 6 p.m.\n",
"\"The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more\noften.\"\n",
"The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough\nvoters to win the next election.\n",
"The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the\nstupidity of your action.\n",
"The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get\nresults.\n\nThe problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy\nproblems in order to get results.\n\nThe problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy\nproblems in order to get results.\n",
"The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.\n",
"The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is\ncursed.\n",
"The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.\n",
"The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This\nmeans that only left handed people are in their right mind.\n",
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with\nsloppy analysis!\n",
"\"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography\"\n",
"The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.\n",
"\"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity\nand tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted\nactivity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ...\nneither its pipes nor its theories will hold water.\"\n",
"\"The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!\"\n",
"The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears.\n",
"The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.\n",
"\"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and\nis an emerging underachiever.\"\n",
"The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant\nbiology.\n",
"The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.\n",
"The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing\nmore important to do.\n",
"The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody\nappreciates how difficult it was.\n",
"The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And\nvice versa.\n",
"\"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and\nstupidity.\"\n",
"The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be\nbroken.\n",
"The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie\nPhilbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said\nto make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his\ndecision to attend Cal, \"I'm in it for the free ride.\"\n",
"\"The voters have spoken, the bastards ...\"\n",
"\"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes,\nit's just a tired feeling:\"\n",
"The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth.\n",
"\"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start\nwith a large fortune.\"\n",
"The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!\n",
"The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!\n",
"The world is coming to an end. Please log off.\n",
"The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of\nfour and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all\nthe answers.\n",
"There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.\n",
"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own\ncats.\n",
"There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis\nare chosen correctly.\n",
"There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the\ntruth without lying.\n",
"\"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both\nplants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;\nand when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,\ndon't we all?\"\n",
"\"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away\nfrom the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone\nloaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor.\"\n",
"There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire\nsomeone, or forbid your kids to do it.\n",
"There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is\none of them.\n",
"There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one\nworks.\n",
"There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a\nsuitable application of high explosives.\n",
"There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know\nnothing about.\n",
"There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of\npaying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.\n",
"There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.\n",
"There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs\ntied during the month of April.\n",
"There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast\nreflexes.\n",
"There is no such thing as fortune. Try again.\n",
"There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be\ndoing.\n",
"There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY.\nThere are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong.\n",
"There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not\na fence.\n",
"There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.\n",
"There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get\nany worse.\n",
"There's no room in the drug world for amateurs.\n",
"\"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't\naggravate.\"\n",
"\"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!\"\n\"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!\"\n\"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP\nout of MEGATON MAN!\"\n",
"These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they\nused to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink.\n",
"They also surf who only stand on waves.\n",
"\"They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them!\"\n",
"They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!\n",
"Things are more like they used to be than they are now.\n",
"Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.\n",
"Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!\n",
"Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer\ncrashes.\n",
"Think twice before speaking, but don't say \"think think click click\".\n",
"\"Thirty days hath Septober,\nApril, June, and no wonder.\nall the rest have peanut butter\nexcept my father who wears red suspenders.\"\n",
"This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14\n",
"This fortune intentionally not included.\n",
"This fortune is inoperative. Please try another.\n",
"\"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,\nregardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling\nkeys ...\"\n",
"\"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an\nactual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?\"\n",
"This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement.\n",
"This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.\n",
"This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!\n",
"This is the story of the bee\nWhose sex is very hard to see\n\nYou cannot tell the he from the she\nBut she can tell, and so can he\n\nThe little bee is never still\nShe has no time to take the pill\n\nAnd that is why, in times like these\nThere are so many sons of bees.\n",
"This land is made of mountains,\nThis land is made of mud,\nThis land has lots of everything,\nFor me and Elmer Fudd.\n\nThis land has lots of trousers,\nThis land has lots of mousers,\nAnd pussycats to eat them\nWhen the sun goes down.\n",
"This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life,\nyou would have received further instructions as to what to do and where\nto go.\n",
"This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88\n",
"This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget\nit.\n",
"Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those\nof us who do.\n",
"Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.\n",
"Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.\n",
"Time flies like an arrow\nFruit flies like a banana\n",
"Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.\n",
"Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at\nonce.\n",
"'Tis the dream of each programmer,\nBefore his life is done,\nTo write three lines of APL,\nAnd make the damn things run.\n",
"To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.\n",
"\"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore\nthis is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to\noffer in response is based on information available to make no such\nstatement.\"\n",
"To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,\ncall it the target.\n",
"To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.\n",
"\"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System\"\n",
"To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three\nmen, two of them absent.\n",
"To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.\n",
"To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.\n",
"To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide\na test load.\n",
"\"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?\"\n",
"Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.\n",
"Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.\n",
"Today is the first day of the rest of the mess\n",
"Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.\n",
"Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday\n",
"Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.\n",
"Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.\n",
"Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.\n",
"Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live\nin eucalyptus trees.\n",
"Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)\n",
"Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no\ngood.\n",
"Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.\n",
"Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only\nspecification is that it should run noiselessly.\n",
"Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard.\n",
"'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks\nDid gyre and gimble in their cave\nAll mimsy was the CS-VAX\nAnd Cory raths outgrabe.\n\n\"Beware the software rot, my son!\nThe faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!\nBeware the broken pipe, and shun\nThe frumious system crash!\"\n",
"\"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory.\nI forget the second.\"\n",
"Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do.\n",
"UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.\n",
"Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it\ncan wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ...\n",
"Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir\n",
"Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.\n",
"Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the\nyard.\n",
"\"Virtual\" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.\n",
"Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving\nfrom where you left them to where you can't find them.\n",
"Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and\nTAX-DEFERRED!\n",
"VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?\n",
"Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser.\n",
"War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.\n",
"Waste not, get your budget cut next year.\n",
"Wasting time is an important part of living.\n",
"We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.\n",
"We can predict everything, except the future.\n",
"\"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company.\"\n",
"We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a\nfish.\n",
"We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the\nhardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights!\n",
"We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get\nback to normal, and that they already have.\n",
"We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always\nrespect their good judgement.\n",
"We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best\nfriends are trying to kill us.\n",
"We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one\ntechnical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.\n",
"we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,\nwe will cry over things we used to laugh &\nour new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile\ncreatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &\nin the end a summer with wild winds &\nnew friends will be.\n",
"\"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.\"\n",
"\"What are we going to do?\"\n\n\"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for\nsomething that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a\nshort initiation period.\"\n",
"\"What are you doing?\"\n\n\"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something\nthat's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short\ninitiation period.\"\n",
"What does \"it\" mean in the sentence \"What time is it?\"?\n",
"What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?\n",
"What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.\n",
"What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.\n",
"What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the\nentrance?\n",
"What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow\nin his footsteps?\n",
"What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.\n",
"What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern\ncomputer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest\nand the establishment of a Hilton on its peak.\n",
"What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.\n",
"What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing\nto compare it with.\n",
"What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.\n",
"What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.\n",
"What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.\n",
"What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent\nbagel.\n",
"What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.\n",
"What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!\n",
"What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.\n",
"What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.\n",
"What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon.\n",
"What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon.\n",
"What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.\n",
"When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half\nloop?\n",
"When all other means of communication fail, try words.\n",
"When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I\nthink it was a Tuesday.\n",
"When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to\nguarantee them.\n",
"When I said \"we\", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young\nladies, and, of course, the goat.\n",
"When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.\n",
"When in panic, fear and doubt,\nDrink in barrels, eat, and shout.\n",
"When Marriage is Outlawed,\nOnly Outlaws will have Inlaws.\n",
"When someone says \"I want a programming language in which I need only\nsay what I wish done,\" give him a lollipop.\n",
"When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you\nmodify the problem, not the remedy.\n",
"\"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.\"\n",
"When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.\n",
"When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the\nimpression you will make.\n",
"When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN.\n",
"Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.\n",
"Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares?\n",
"While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is\nadmission to someone else.\n",
"While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several.\n",
"While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own\nform of misery.\n",
"While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining\nposition.\n",
"While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their\ncorrectness never does.\n",
"While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very\nreassuring to know that it's still there.\n",
"\"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new\nTriple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ...\"\n",
"Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?\n",
"Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.\n",
"Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.\n",
"Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we\nhave?\n",
"Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else?\n",
"Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to\navoid responsibility with?\n",
"Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office\nautomation?\n",
"Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with.\n",
"Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have\nmore lawyers?\n\nNew Jersey had first choice.\n",
"Why don't elephants eat penguins ?\n\nBecause they can't get the wrappers off ...\n",
"Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?\n",
"Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as\nit was in the summer, when they complained about the heat.\n",
"With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once\nbuild a nuclear balm?\n",
"Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless.\n",
"Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your\nchairs.\n",
"World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced\ndress code!\n",
"\"Wrong,\" said Renner.\n\n\"The tactful way,\" Rod said quietly, \"the polite way to disagree with\nthe Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'\"\n",
"X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the\nimagination is the plot.\n",
"Xerox does it again and again and again and ...\n",
"Xerox never comes up with anything original.\n",
"\"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context.\"\n",
"Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.\n",
"Yesterday upon the stair\nI met a man who wasn't there.\nHe wasn't there again today --\nI think he's from the CIA.\n",
"You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.\n",
"You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.\n",
"You are the only person to ever get this message.\n",
"You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading\nthis sort of trash.\n",
"You buttered your bread, now lie in it.\n",
"You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior\nexecutive.\n",
"You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.\n",
"You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.\n",
"You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.\n",
"You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.\n",
"You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.\n",
"\"You can't make a program without broken egos.\"\n",
"You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.\n",
"You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.\n",
"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.\n",
"You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first\nand last month in advance.\n",
"You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.\n",
"You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to\nmetal objects which are not fastened down.\n",
"You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets\nwrinkled.\n",
"You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot\ntoday.\n",
"You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes\nyou wore home from the party and there aren't any.\n",
"You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your\nfriend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a \"++\" to fix it.\n",
"You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.\n",
"You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.\n",
"\"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable\nproof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do.\"\n",
"You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll\nbe dead.\n",
"You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the\nbeach.\n",
"You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.\n",
"You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially\nif they are dead.\n",
"You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.\n",
"You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.\n",
"You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of\na lion, and the face of Donald Duck.\n",
"You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.\n",
"You will feel hungry again in another hour.\n",
"You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door\nmayonnaise salesman.\n",
"You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.\n",
"You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to\nworry.\n",
"\"You'll never be the man your mother was!\"\n",
"You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.\n",
"You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!!\n",
"You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.\n",
"Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a\nthing he tells you.\n",
"Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you\nfrom enjoying it.\n",
"Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.\n",
"Your lucky number has been disconnected.\n",
"Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.\n",
"Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.\n",
"YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!\"\n",
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