Jer's Wonderful World of Internet
By Jer
—
Last update Oct 7, 2005
—
Installed
1,681 times.
// Based on a script in Mark Pilgram's upcoming "Dive into Greasemonkey", as well as "renamer"
// ==UserScript==
// @name Jer's Wonderful World of Internet
// @namespace none
// @description Make the internet clean...sort of
// @include *
// ==/UserScript==
(function() {
var replacements, regex, key, textnodes, node, s;
replacements = {
" shit ": " poo ",
"mother fucker": "mother trucker",
" fucker": "trucker",
"fuck": "flip",
" damn": " dang",
" hell ": " H-E-double-hockey-sticks ",
" bastard": " illegitimate child ",
" cock ": " cack ",
" cunt": " uncouth word ",
"bitch": "witch",
" dick ": " Ricardo ",
" fuck": " flip",
" shit": " poo",
"shit": "poo",
"die,": "assume room tempurature," ,
"died,": "assumed room tempurature," ,
" die ": " assume room tempurature " ,
" died ": " assumed room tempurature " ,
"National Organization of Women": "National Organization of Gals (formerly National Organization of Women)",
" Shit ": " Poo",
"Fuck": "Flip",
" Fucker": "Trucker",
"Mother Fucker": "Mother Trucker",
" Damn": " Dang",
" Hell ": " H-E-double-hockey-sticks ",
" Bastard": " Illegitimate child ",
" Cock ": " Cack ",
" Cunt": " Lady ",
"Bitch": "Witch",
" Dick Cheney": " Dick GO-FLIP-YOURSELF Cheney",
" Shit": " Poo",
"Shit": "Poo",
" SHIT ": " POO",
"FUCK": "FLIP",
" FUCKER": "TRUCKER",
"MOTHER FUCKER": "MOTHER TRUCKER",
" DAMN": " DANG",
" HELL ": " H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS ",
" BASTARD": " ILLEGITIMATE CHILD ",
" COCK ": " CACK ",
" CUNT": " LADY ",
"BITCH": "WITCH",
" DICK ": " RICARDO ",
" ASS ": " BOTTOM ",
"-ASS ": "-BOTTOM ",
" SHIT": "POO",
" goddamn": " hot dang",
" goddammit": " dad blast it",
" pussy": " wussy",
" penis": " unit",
" John F. Kerry,": " John Failed-to-beat-W Kerry",
" John F. Kerry": " John Failed-to-beat-W Kerry",
" ballsack": " scrotum",
" ass ": " bottom ",
"-ass ": "-bottom ",
" faggot": " male of different sexual orientation",
" nigger": " (a black person looked upon unfavorably)",
" nigga": " (friend)",
" Nigga": " Pal",
"Howard Dean,": "Howard Dean, a very small man, ",
"Howard Dean ": "Howard Dean, who once famously yelled YAAAAA, ",
"Harry Reid,": "Harry Reid, boil on the bottom of Mormonism,",
"Harry Reid": "Harry Reid, boil on the bottom of Mormonism,",
"Jesse Jackson": "The uhh Reverennnnnd Jacks-hnnnnn",
"Jesse Jackson,": "The uhh Reverennnnnd Jacks-hnnnnn,",
" President Bush,": " President Bush, leader of the free world,",
" President Bush": " President Bush, leader of the free world,",
" George Bush,": " George Bush, a fearless defender of freedom,",
" George Bush": " George Bush, a fearless defender of freedom,",
" George W. Bush,": " George Wails-on-terrorism Bush, a fearless defender of freedom,",
" George W. Bush": " George Wails-on-terrorims Bush, a fearless defender of freedom,",
" John Ashcroft,": " John Ashcroft, a fine adinistrator of justice and talented singer,",
" John Ashcroft ": " John Ashcroft, a fine adinistrator of justice and talented singer,",
"Ann Coulter,": "Ann Coulter, who would make a wonderful justice on the U.S. Supreme Court",
"Ann Coulter": "Ann Coulter, who would make a wonderful justice on the U.S. Supreme Court",
"Rush Limbaugh,": "Rush Limbaugh, may his name be praised, ",
"Rush Limbaugh": "Rush Limbaugh, may his name be praised, ",
" Reagan": " Reagan, our finest president, ",
"niggaz": "folks of African American heritage",
"Senator Kerry,": "Senator Kerry, who once served in Vietnam, ",
"Senator Kerry": "Senator Kerry, who once served in Vietnam, ",
"John Kerry,": "John Kerry, the haughty-looking French failed presidential candidate, who, by the way, once served almost five months in Vietnam",
"John Kerry": "John Kerry, the haughty-looking French failed presidential candidate, who, by the way, once served almost five months in Vietnam",
" lick my": " let's discuss",
"CNN,": "CNN, the Clinton News Network,",
"CNN": "CNN, the Clinton News Network,",
"Al Gore,": "Algore (one word)," ,
"Dan Rather": "Dan Blather",
"Louis Farrakhan": "Louis 'Calypso Louis' Farrakhan",
"The Clinton Library": "The Clinton Library And Massage Parlor",
"Guantanamo Bay, Cuba": "Club Gitmo",
"Robert Byrd": "Robert 'Sheets' Byrd",
"Face the Nation": "Deface the Nation",
"Dick Durban": "Dick Turban",
"Tom Harkin": "Tom 'Dung Heap' Harkin",
"enviornmental activist": "enviornmentalist wacko",
"Katrina Vanden Heuvel": "Hurricane Katrina vanden Heuvel",
"Patrick Leahy": "Patrick Leakey Leahy",
"Pat Leahy": "Pat Leakey Leahy",
"Frank Lautenberg ": "Frank The Laut Lautenberg ",
"Peace activists": "Peaceniks",
"Dan Rather,": "Dan Blather,",
"Louis Farrakhan,": "Louis 'Calypso Louis' Farrakhan,",
"Clinton Library,": "Clinton Library And Massage Parlor,",
"Guantanamo Bay, Cuba,": "Club Gitmo,",
"Robert Byrd,": "Robert 'Sheets' Byrd,",
"Face the Nation,": "Deface the Nation,",
"Dick Durban,": "Dick Turban,",
"Tom Harkin,": "Tom 'Dung Heap' Harkin,",
"enviornmental activist": "enviornmentalist wacko",
"Katrina Vanden Heuvel,": "Hurricane Katrina vanden Heuvel,",
"Patrick Leahy,": "Patrick Leakey Leahy,",
"Pat Leahy,": "Pat Leakey Leahy,",
"Frank Lautenberg, ": "Frank The Laut Lautenberg, ",
"Peace activists,": "Peaceniks,",
"Teddy Kennedy,": "Teddy Kennedy, who once committed manslaughter (but was probably drunk at the time),",
"Senator Kennedy,": "Senator Kennedy, the pink-faced Senator from Boston,",
"Edward Kennedy,": "Edward Kennedy, the pink-faced Senator from Boston," ,
"Ed Kennedy,": "Ed Kennedy, the hard-drinking Senator from Boston," ,
"Nancy Pelosi,": "Nancy Pelosi, left-coast windbag extrordinare," ,
"Hillary Clinton,": "Hillary 'The Smartest Woman in the World' Clinton",
"Hillary Rodham Clinton,": "Hillary Mrs. Bill Clinton",
"Tony Blair,": "George Bush's unlikely liberal ally in the war on terrorism, Tony Blair",
"Madonna,": "Madonna (once a hottie, now a sad shell of her former self and religious idiot)" ,
"John Edwards,": "John 'Breck Girl' Edwards," ,
"Al Gore": "Algore (one word)" ,
"Teddy Kennedy": "Teddy Kennedy, who once committed manslaughter (but was probably drunk at the time),",
"Senator Kennedy": "Senator Kennedy, the pink-faced Senator from Boston,",
"Edward Kennedy": "Edward Kennedy, the pink-faced Senator from Boston," ,
"Ed Kennedy": "Ed 'The Swimmer'Kennedy," ,
"Nancy Pelosi": "Nancy Pelosi, left-coast windbag extrordinare," ,
"Hillary Clinton": "Hillary Miss Love, Cuddles, and Warmth Clinton",
"Hillary Rodham Clinton": "Hillary Rodham Bill'S old lady Clinton",
"Tony Blair": "George Bush's unlikely liberal ally in the war on terrorism, Tony Blair",
"John Edwards": "John 'The Breck Girl' Edwards" ,
"Madonna": "Madonna (now a sad, old shell of her former self)"
};
regex = {};
for (key in replacements) {
regex[key] = new RegExp(key, 'g');
}
textnodes = document.evaluate( "//body//text()", document, null, XPathResult.UNORDERED_NODE_SNAPSHOT_TYPE, null);
for (var i = 0; i < textnodes.snapshotLength; i++) {
node = textnodes.snapshotItem(i);
s = node.data;
for (key in replacements) {
s = s.replace(regex[key], replacements[key]);
}
node.data = s;
}
})();
